I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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