why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
