The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
