please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
