I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
it's not cheating when I paid for it
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
