We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
