do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
