I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
