I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
