i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
