Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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