You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
