I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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