I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
