I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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