I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
