I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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