Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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