Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
