I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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