yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
