captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
