Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
