I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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