i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
