Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
