if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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