My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
