Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
