I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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