So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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