And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
