u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
