Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
