I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
