Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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