awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
