Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Are my feet made of real feet?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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