I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
