she looked like the bat from fern gully.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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