She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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