Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
