I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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