girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
