the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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