I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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