I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Randomize
