New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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