Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
