why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
