My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
