Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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