I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
