so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
