no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
